Epiphany

 

‘If I’ve spent all this time on earth just to be understood then I’ve never truly lived a day in this life' -TKEpiphany.

Silenced

What is this obscene notion that I have to constantly defend myself against these raised brows and side-eyes?, quenching the thirst and curbing the appetites of those who have their own expectations of me, of my life? In all honesty, who said I had to care so much about how they see me? Why should my life be a blueprint of anyone else’s imagination but mine?

 I confirm this as self-actualization, and only now, because there was a time when I believed that I was meant to please everyone, and believe me I tried but let me tell you how ridiculously impossible that is and all the reasons why you should never attempt to do this. 

       For the most part, it is complete torture. You find yourself justifying your every move and trying your best to fit in to ideals. I think in my effort to please everyone, I failed to exist as an individual and if I am being completely honest, I had lost touch with who I was and what I wanted. I had silenced my soul in an effort to appear normal, so as to not offend anyone or make them feel insecure. 

I remember one Saturday afternoon, my ex and I were home, just relaxing, I was on one end of the couch, doing my usually afternoon writing and he was at the other end with his head buried in his cellphone, while the television conveniently watched us both.

 "Babe, tell me what you think of this thing I just wrote". I was trying to get his attention which came a good while after. I watched as he read and awaited his feedback. His response? 

"Tasha,why are you like this?, you can’t just write everything you feel, it’s just too personal.''

"So you hate it?"  I asked. 

"No, I don’t.  Just, say less". He said.

    Slightly confused and entirely discouraged I started omitting and re-arranging everything I wrote. I believed him. I believed I was being too much and too open.  I had to turn it down a notch so he could have some peace of mind. 

MOMENT OF TRUTH

   I believe relationships are give and take. We learn that compromise is our best friend. However, I do believe there are limits and there are some things your partners should never ask you to do; that is, to be less of who you are so they can be content. 

  It was always a sore spot for me. My love for writing takes me back as far as my teenage years, where I learnt to be honest and vulnerable, showing the parts of me I hid in reality. 

   Writing became an outlet for my pain, my heartaches and even my joys but here he was telling me to feel less, to hide the parts of me that were broken, because somehow he felt responsible.

When I wrote that I had missed a love, that was no longer present, when I wrote of how I felt invisible in our love; that I had lost pieces of myself for the sake of this love. When I stripped myself naked of pride and shame so that I could help women see the raw rigid truths of my life; that they could know enough to steer clear of the mistakes I made, when I decided to take a stand, it made him uncomfortable and so, he had to silence me.  

     Do you find yourself in a similar situation? Maybe not as a writer, and maybe it isn’t an intimate relationship, but do you find that you have to murder pieces of yourself in an effort to “fit in”, to exist without really existing. 

I know you’ve been holding your breath, but I’m here to tell you, right now, Breathe. 

Inhale your "wholeness”; exhale the bullshit idea that you have to tone-down for someone else's peace of mind. 

How can we cage such talents? How can we speak less when there is so much to say; when so many people need to hear these words.

 I decided that if I spent all this time on earth just to be understood then I would never truly lived a day in this life. I’ve accepted this as the truth that keeps my soul alive.

My advice to you; don't try to “fit in”. Don’t believe for a second that you’re “over doing it” or “oversharing”. 

You have a duty to yourself and to the people you seek to uplift. Your presence and your purpose are golden; walk into your light with everything that you are so that others may see, so that they may know, so that they too, can grow.